Too long for comment

Im writing about money, that I dont have it, that i need it, that I hate it, that i am writing about money, I need money, yet astnight I burned my wallet . Litterallyim feeling disconnected, so I wanted to type my feelling out so I can feel connected again, why am i so reluctant to get a job . I dropped out of highschool and gary job corps,. Im planning on getting a ride to florida., with  Lisa and Terry. There I hope to get a job on a shrimp boat or something I want to camp out at nude beaches, I want to wander around town looking up at the buildings in amazement. I want to see new faces, do they exist out there> I dont want to leave my family.. not my familly io dont own a family but my family the one that im in, the most closely related, people . the people that I have spent my whole life with. I think about suivide.,. the more i think about suicide the more I feel it is wrong,. not right. for me anyways. . i have always been tired of livving. and i have always loved and enjoyed life. how can it be both> i  i have times when I feel right. like lastnight as i was panting in a tent in my back yard. shirtless, I felt right. the times where i think it i were to die now would be a great time. but i never die in those moments. i seem to die more then im starring up at the veeling for hours. or when im playing playstation two for hours. or when im driving and seeing all the cars going by but with tinted black windows , cant see who is inside. all the cars. when im afraid to even say hello to someone . someone that is alivve just like me, with the same english words floating and fireing inside the skull. I have stopped talking to put more attention on my daydream, i meant to type typing. i stopped typing. death.. i just wanted to put it out there, or in here. in words give feeling to what im feeling. life seems to be death right now. is it possible to be dead and alive at the same time right now? doesnt every moment exist right now? all of existence and more connected to me right now, to this to i u . connecting connecting .... please hold..... i feel i have been on hold for ecer.. this chemical created feeling of depression that im in right now. starring at the white page of the computer screen . talking in my mind then typig. im clossing my eyes. that feels better. I am paying more attention to the keys  the feel of the keys on the tips of my fingers. see its the hands that do most of the feeling for i. the physical feeling anway., the stress seems so be in the skull and the emptiness seems to be in the chest. where do I seem to be/> I spend so much time thinking about death. I wonder if when I die Ill still think about death. I should be thinking about now. and what im going to do in life. and I do think about it. I think about it quite a bit i think.... I want to travel... i need to travel travel see ice and snow vocovered mountains,. i feel the need to conquor this existance., to have total controle of when and where to be of pausing this . or leabving the physical body. these ideas are getting silly to me. i feel i should be s[ending more time doing what I was doing last night. being outside. running in the field. AT NIGHT higging my dog bb
 but i buenws my wallet. dam why the fuck did i do that. oh yea cuz its part of the system . arnt I part of the system> wel i think i was more so when i had a wallet tan i am now,. i feel i need to build. to program, and create. I read about light being all the time and how I can be one. of mefditating and being able to travel dimentions and worlds. of being able to fly in a vessel of light.  computer, i know you have an existence . some sort of existence, and theres some sort of existene in the that reads everything in the database,. everything on the web servers. if not now then sometime in the future, but by typing this I am creating the future,. the anvients  carved stone rock with there symbols. knowing it would be found in the future. .. well future being reading this or now being reading thid. person. alien. machine. wild animal. i think about the wild animals and how they will evelve after i am gone. after no humands are on earth, bevause nothing lasts for ever. everytime I type that I  give the word nothing its own essence, like if nothing was a person and that nothing person lasted forever so by saying nothing lasts for ever im saying that nothing whatever nothing is does infact last forever. also saying that no-think lasts forever. how can i say that when i dont even know what forever is. my convvept of forever is of some puctures of space ive seen online and in books. soe dreams ive had of time distortions acompanies by smoking weed and time being distorted.  to falling asleep and it feeling like hours to then wake up and it have been  minutes. I feel bad for thinking and wanting to go to florida and leave my family. my family has neve r left me, i have a plave to stay right now. a keybvoard to type on., avacados to eat. avacados that my mom bought me with me specifically in mind. a mom that goes to work everyday. hold on im going to go wash dishes .....i washed some dishes and picked up some cans to feel ike i am doing something,,,, i burned my wallet aoh man  what was i thinking,. i was thinking that I didnt want to live with a drivers license. I was thinking what i have been thinking for awhile. that the government is corrupt. but man this corrupt government has done so much, and what have I done> thought about doing stuff. thougt tat maybe if my thoughts were connected to something that I could just be hre and think about them and they would be doing good., i acctualy felt that by just sitting or laying down and thinking about stuff i was helpoing, well i was and i am i think.,. ik mean i wouldnt be existing if i wasnt meant to have some role some thing to do in this existence. i feel like all that thinking has he;ped me figure out what i need to act on. then i feel that all that thinking was because i was to scared to act on anythin so i just thought and thought and wanted to die. man i am messed up. now im trying to five this writing some life trying to think up of some situations on how i could benefit from this writing. mainly if someone would buy it, but isnt that what i am against/ no not against buying and selling stuff so that others could see it and so I can have money to survive. im against that the money  used to buy and sell is made out of nothing in the computers of thw bank, how its made off of interest that  the banks want if i get a loan. interest that comes from where>???? where am i supposed to get the money that i borrow and then some more??? Thats why money is constantly being made. constantly being used. I think what i see at the store is the thing that keeps it going. i hand a person some paper money and i can walk out with some stuff from the store, no hastle. well maybe a receipt check but thats it.  im not thinking about how the money is debt. how is money debt? i dont even know . but somehow i know it is. it has to do with the bank giving out a loan then wanting the loan pluss more. and for that pluss more to exist it has to be made. printed out on coton paper. covered to the brim in symbolism and given out as a loan. so thats why if the  national bank stoped creating money. The whole think would collaps. because more money would be owed to the bank then there is in supply.now im wondering why orohm hasnt replied to my email... I dont know his name.


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 oI feel as though I should not delete some things in this english writing post. as though it is somehow better to keep writing or typing instead of just plain out deleting something, so I will type some on this to maybe fix it and see how it goes, This particular sentence is to fix some thought ore commonplace things that seem to be lurking around, a flow of word jumble is kind of keeping me here at the keyboard, so lets see typing might as well be helping me, so I shall type for awhile, originally I was thinking of deleting the post about James, then i thought why would i do that, when I wouldn't want someone to delete a post about me, or would I /? the reason I thought about not deleting the post is because of karma and the golden rule i learned in school. Treat others as you would like to be treated. this post is a kind of blank thoughtfulness about it, . and it is kind of bothering me, the thought of images and words and colors coming at me, or not necessarily at me but somehow getting the visions, and sounds around me. I dislike people telling me what to do so I advise against it. i just read a warning sign on my keyboard, it says warning then some letters around it, allso smaller letters below it, . maybe the oh yeah, i thought of something in words but I didn't type it because I wondered about what people would think, should I type it anyway? maybe,,................................oh crap I just remembered the episode of adventure time where there was a part where they were getting wishes and one of the what I seen as a hot-dog wished to blow up, then it seemed to me that he blew up as in an explosion but how would he of blown up in an explosion if i also heard that he said i mean as in get bigger,  the reason that I am typing or the reason that I typed that particular piece of sentence is that because, it seems to correlate to my thought of writing or continued writing instead of deleting. See I wanted to delete some of my other typed up blog posts but I chose to write about it instead. . . . .  . . . I will see how this goes and then some. Maybe it will be a better idea than deleting or maybe it wont. or maybe it will. or maybe it wont. probably maybe. So on to another thought.

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xcops anoy me so much I thought about not even typing about them, but I couldnt stand the thought of the word cops lingering around in my mind. so I typed it out and now they are our. so good riddence and no thank you to cops.

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on to other things  better things like ice cream, I could really use some ice cream right about now.  See I have been working on becoming or being or activly participating on being or the act thought process of vegetanarianism.
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.. I was or have been doing something kind of like hmmmm like hmm hmm hmm hm  hmm hmm hmm hm hm hm hm hm hmm hm hmm hmm............///

its kind of wierd how thoughts come our it seems, like out like they originate in some center place then they flow through a channel or vase or vile or hmmmm a cokaroach is in my cview. what does the cokaroach want. it is there with its antenas or what I perceive to be antenas. I dont neccesarily consider a cokaroach an other be caseu I have been doing something so the thought for the being ok so I am on cokaroaches so that is something some times of people do some things see I win wait , cockaroach I was typing about a cokaroach. the cokaroach isnt currently in my view. since My mother walked over here and started speaking spanish . Now she is what seems to me making a sandwich, She asked me if I took my medicine, ohhh the ocokaroach is on. or when I was typing earlier it was on the time setting ot keeping device or clock type thing that is in my view. So there seems to be some strange feelings of, ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

/ Ohhhhhh my mother just dropped something from the refridgerator. ./ I would peoro bably describe it buy , byt but . for some reason I dont nessesarily feel like it. She is cleaning it up now.  how strange, so . I keep tyoping  and typing and typing. I will seemingly sleep later. oh oh some people tell me to use my imagination, well I have heard thtaat some people tell me to use my imagination. I usually think about fart jokes. but now I would like to move on to ther things. like rainbows. wait. hmmmm. i suppose I chose to type rainbows because of the colors. so am i typing that I would like to move onto colors???/ hmmm. oh there isnt verry manny things or colors on this particular page on the internet. there is orange. grey. black. white. red. yellow. oh wait the  oh it is on wait no its not on the internet page. the color yellow isnt on the internet page its on a tab. Like I was typing before. I want and deserve some ice cream. /


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lets see if I can type a story. hmmm. there once was a, ummmmmmmmmmmmmm. that reminded me of a movie. wait. crap i typed me. should I fdelete or not. hmmm. this is hmmmmmmmmm. I just got the thought or sound or word thought that for some reason something is keeping me from typing. should I type it or not. I am  just s=contemplating weather to type the word thought I had or have or still have it or the word thought keeps getting into the place that maybe I sdont neccesarily feel like typing because it has a word that I dont neccesaatrilly dffell like typing. hmmmm the thought lursks. oh crap I fput that in the story or did I??????


so there once was a wait why type once.> doesnt that seem kind of weird. to type once. as in there once was but no longer is. or is there? well Ill type in other places later. with maybe idfferent thoughts., or some planned out story ideas. or something. oh yeah.